Today will be the longest blog post EVER for me. Not much competition with my one lonely post. Today I'm going to reflect on yesterday. I felt quite depressed, today is much better which is funny to think because today isn't really very good. However I think yesterdays feelings should be captured so at least something good comes of them. On a side note in my editor the words Today in sentance one and three line up perfectly. I do that ALOT when I write on pen and paper. I never know if I do it on subconciously and on purpose of if its a fateful accident. It also makes me a tad upset that I used the same word twice within two lines. I do that too often sometimes. Though I have to admit often its words like the, at or is. You can't avoid repetition with those words. Anyway back on to yesterday. Its weird writing this because I these are all thoughts I've had between waking and now and I always hate writing after the fact because I have profound thoughts and I'm worried i'll forget them when I finally start to write. I need to be in the habit of keeping a notebook with me at all times and writing as soon as I think things. One of my best pieces came like that. Writing free form as I thought it. It was written on a plane. Doing that would make me feel like a writer I bet.
OK so I yesterday I thought I felt nothing. Which is wrong. When I looked back this morning I realized I was feeling everything. Depression to me is white not black. Black is the absence of color but for me its white, its every color, every thought, every feeling, every worry, every thing. Its a sense of just being overwhelmed. Its when life is a cluttered room with too much going on and to much needing to be done and you don't know where to start so you feel like its too much and you open the door and run in slam the door shut and climb into bed and just lay there. Doing nothing. Thats my definition not Merriam Websters. They did make redonkulous a word just because everyone started using it. This reminds me of the age old adage "If everyone was jumping off of a bridge would you?" most people quickly answer no. But if
everyone is doing it maybe there's a good reason. Maybe there is a big pile of leaves and you'll land safely and there is a party down there. You'd miss the awsome fall party, what a perfectly themed entrance to the party too. And I bet they have apple cider which is the best. Especially when its warm and has a cinnamon stick that serves the dual purpose of straw and stiring device.
So I decided I needed to do something to occupy my mind. To break apart the meloncholly. Then at least it wouldn't seem like a whole day of it but two smaller pieces. Easier to digest. A pill to large to swallow taken in two doses. So my roomate and I went shopping at a thrift store.
I went through the clothes searching for a perfect match. You shop with your heart not your eyes. At least I do. I fell in love with a couple of things and I found the twin of my favorite jacket for way cheaper. This made me happy. But like all of the happy I felt today it was numb and hollow and splintered. Fake and shallow. As I perused the dress pants and suit jackets I thought about how there is no way these pants were donated by someone youthful. These are old man pants. That made me wonder how many were donated after the old man had passed away. Like my grandfather. Then I'll see pants with a similar style and size and think they both belonged to the same man. I wonder if there is a third pair of pants just like these two donated ones he is rotting with. Sorry to be morbid, sometimes its how my brain thinks. Its like when I think about suicide. I never think about it in the normal sense like my friend josh who told me he's thought about doing it but is too much of a wuss to ever do it. I wouldn't even consider doing it its stupid. But I sometimes i think about the consequences surrounding it should it occur. When I was little I would think about it and wonder how my parents would feel. I think they would be sad but am I really that much of an impact in thier lives? They have another son, one alot more like them. I think I know what it feels like to be adopted. You'd be missed at first and sad but would it last? When my grandfather died I thought about him alot but I'm ashamed to admit that I don't think about him alot any longer and its only been four years later. I think I was closer to him than anyone else in my family too. I think he is where I get alot of myself and thats why I felt so close to him. He is where my humor comes from. I love my humor its my favorite part of me. We share our hair too. He could wiggle both of his ears and I couldn't. I didn't like how this made me feel. Hahah the title of my blog is so fitting. However "Paragraphs are passe" would work too. I am so unorganized which is funny considering how much I love organization. I like when things are organized and I love organizational tools but I can't bring myself to organize things. I think I'm a perfectionist but instead of being OCD where I try to make everything perfect, I say to myself, "You won't be able to make it good enough so stop while you are ahead." and I just stop. Ok now I think i'm rambling to avoid continued talk about my day. Back on track, new paragraph.
Actually I think that pretty much covers yesterday. I got home tried on my clothes took some pictures and went to bed early. Depressed people are so well rested. Now onto today. I woke up still feeling depressed. I bought some towels and washclothes last night. They were a deep hue of blue. I wonder if I chose them because of how I was feeling. So I hopped into the shower and I blasted myself with heat. The water was fire searing my skin but I barely felt it. I was outside my body watching a movie or reading a book. The air thick with steam. My skin turned pinkish red a visual reaction to the pain. At least I could see it if I couldn't feel it. I think back to when I had long hair. It never really looked very good but I liked having a curtain to hide behind whenever I wanted. If I still had it it would lick my face, sticking to some spots snaking across my cheeks. But not today. I lathered my washcloth and scrubbed. It was one of those days where you never feel clean enough. The soapy water ran blue. I thought I was imagining this at first but it was real. I guess I was supposed to wash this before using. Maybe it would paint my skin with its color and my outside would match my insides. This thought made me smile. The shower took longer than it should but still felt to short. No shivering as I step out today.
I started thinking about crying and how I can't do it. Its like when you are sick and you know throwing up will make you feel better but try as you might you can't. You feel stuck. Other than a simple tear or two I haven't cried but two times since 2001. Thats not a good track record. Maybe this is why the first Elliot Smith song that ever comes to mind is Bottle up and explode. Even though needle in the hay is his "hit". I'm a car bomb minus the car. A time bomb with no sense of time. Please defuse me I don't want to hurt anyone.
Now is when the post gets deep. I've been thinking about religion alot lately and god and what not. Something I tend to avoid. Our relationship is very familial. I don't think alot about him or talk much. We see each other on holidays and we're not more than cordial. When I was younger I doubted his existance despite being raised methodist and being an analytical kid I would test him with prayer. And if my prayers weren't delivered it fueled my doubt. I was an athiest even for a while in middle school and some of high school or I thought I was. I don't think I ever was in my heart. Late in high school I decided on agnostic which means that I felt there was some big picture some grand scheme but that I would never know in my life time what it was. AKA big giant cop out. I've always been afraid of dying and I think thats because I'm afraid of the unknown. I think this accentuates my lack of faith. I always thought belief in heaven and hell was silly. But secretly I believe it, I need to, I must. Because even if though I'm bad and I question and doubt everything that most people deem holy and I will probably end up in the one with a more tropical climate I think an eternity of pain, suffering and all that hoopla is better than just ceasing to exist. That is an idea that gives me chills and literally scares the hell out of me. I can't fathom it...not existing...not for me. I was thinking about some stuff my mormon friend told me about back in high school when we would drive to shows together that really struck a chord with me. Two things in particular are #1 Greater and lesser paradise. Its the greatest idea any god had ever. If you are a devout believer and follower of the faith you get to go to greater paradise, which I assume is like the typical version of heaven that you hear about but if you aren't so perfect and or you just don't believe then on "judgement" day you get brought before god and he does the old "told you so" and if you believe now you get to go to lesser paradise. And true hell is reserved for those who still deny god on this day of judgement. Even though I probably have misremembered how he described it I like how I think it is. The other thing that resonated with me was the story he told me of how it was founded. I forget the guys name but he didn't feel anything at his church he went and prayed and all that jazz but didn't feel anything. And then god spoke to him and he became a prophet. This is me when I was little I've never felt the presence of god. So its hard for me to relate to those who have. I remember this group of kids who were into young life and like most other hyper religious people they made me feel weird. The way they talked about god and religion didn't feel right to me and now I believe thats because they felt something I didn't which kind of makes me feel like an outcast. The mormon faith isn't without the negative side I see in every other religion though. My friends ex girlfriend was raped when she was little and when they went to the church the bishop told her too bad so sad you are going to hell for having sex before marrige. WOW. Something you have no control over you are a little girl raped by someone much older than you and your entire world gets ripped from you. Your eternity really. How sad is that. She is an angry girl now and has some problems I think and I know this without really knowing her or having a deep conversation with her. I'm perceptive but its what I like to call the cockroach effect. When you can so easily spot something in someone you know it runs
MUCH deeper than you suspect. Akin to the idea that if you see a cock roach you are all ready super infested. I guess if you don't like bugs you could call it the "Tip of the iceburg" effect. Also my new roommate Josh used to be mormon. He told me a story about visiting the temple and seeing paintings deemed priceless that the church paid alot for and as a little kid thinking to himself how could they take the money they get and spend it on things like that instead of feeding the hungry etc. I see this sort of thing in almost every other religion as well and its sad. Power corrupts and no one is more powerful than the clergy. I also dislike how basically every religon is filled with people who do nothing but gossip and talk trash about others behind their back with thier holier than though attitudes. Calibretto 13 has an awsome song called "Christian Hate Mail" that talks about it that I <3. I think my non judgmentalness is one of my best qualities. Maybe I should consider one of the eastern religions. They are "spiritual" which i think means less organized and more personal. I think I should spend some time reading about them all. And make an informed decision, I mean we are talking about eternity and my soul. I think its sad most people just follow thier parents into a religion without any thoughts. I mean god gave you a brain use it. I think thats why you see so many people who will do something like wear a cross and then you see them drunk at mardi gras flashing thier breasts. Sure maybe I'm just as bad for watching but I'm not wearing a cross while I do it. WOW I really need to learn how to use paragraphs.
I saw a movie called Jesus Camp about the evangelicals. Its interesting. And kind of scary. I find it funny that the guy at the end who is this huge leader was caught with a male prostitute and a bunch of meth. Then he went to rehab for a couple of months and he was back and recovered from his demons. I didn't know it was so easy. It makes me sad because in the movie he is talking to these kids and they all look up to him. And this happens he goes away for a few months and is back in full force guiding them. In high school one of my friends was always upset because she was a christian and her dad was a youth leader of sorts at church and she would find gay websites that he went to. A lot of religious tactics rely on shaming. My parents weren't relgious but they used shame style techniques to raise me so I know how it feels and what it does to you. Its sad. Though now my mom is religious and a sunday school teacher. Maybe she'd be happy to know these thoughts. I probably won't tell her though. Thats just how I rock and roll.
I was thinking today on the bus about how the world has not really changed. From the human perspective. Sure technology has changed things but we as humans are basically the same. There have always been fat people, skinny people, depressed people, hungry people, successful people, evil people, creative people. Its all the same just in an ever changing setting. People had the same fears and insecurities. Maybe its different for girls because their roles have changed alot. But when I think this I think that the roles of guys must have changed some too. I dunno. It makes me think of the whole woman's rights movement. I am all about equality but in reality it is almost directly responsible for obesity and probably other things. Follow with me and I'll blow your mind, if you doubt my claims. When the mother left the home to start helping with earning money it meant less time raising kids which has lots of affects. The mother isn't there to really be involved. For me for example I always had a baby sitter. This also meant less time to cook and clean and take care of all of the chores. Luckily in my home my dad helped out so it wasn't as much of a strain. But for alot of people if thier dads hold that old mentality that they shouldn't have to do that, and i've seen a bunch who do. Then there is too much to do and too little time. Which is oddly enough when fast food resturaunts started to take off. First it was once a week at most. Until now its somepeoples entire diet. Sad sad thing. That being said I'm all for the stay at home mom.
Ok my thoughts and ideas have finaly petered out. Oh except I wanted to mention how I think the most amazing thing about music is when you are in a particular mood and are having particular thoughts and then you find a song you've never heard that seems like it was written for you to find at that exact moment. That is why music is powerful. For me at least. I hope I write a song some day that does that. And someone writes me a letter and tells me. Maybe I will write this band a letter.
Wow thats long. I'm not even going to try to spell check or re read it. Enjoy it in all its mutilated glory.
How is that for presentation? I was at this restaurant for some time as I decided to write a little story while waiting for my food. Well I didn't stop writing till I hit 6 pages written. Not bad for just flowing from brain to paper. It is a fiction piece my first foray into the format. I might post it up when I get a chance to type it out. I also stopped and bought a package of pens and some groceries. Fairly productive day. Despite being out for six hours. Oh well you can't win them all at least I wasn't using gas and destroying the planet. And I got the exercise from walking. Always good.
